Real Talk · The Truth

Real Talk.

Let’s Have An Honest Moment.

So as I sit here sulking about just having popped off ANOTHER button off ANOTHER good pair of work pants due to my sublime food pouch, I wonder, “Would it not be easier to just chug down this liter of water sitting on my desk and feel full? Would it not be easier to just make myself so overly satiated on liquids that I accidentally skip lunch and feel too ill to eat dinner?” As a matter of fact it would be too easy, uncomplicated, and so effortless to say the least. Why shouldn’t I just take the easy way out instead of waking up an hour earlier than I already do to workout? Why not just take the easy way out instead of loosing valuable time studying for school, or spending less time with my significant other and puppy, trying to do the right or normal thing?

I would feel so much better about myself a lot quicker compared to doing the normal thing. I would feel and see progress almost instantaneously by doing the wrong thing.

I sit here and reflect on the way I felt as I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, analyzing every curve, dimple, flab of skin and untoned muscle. I reflect on how sick to my stomach and disgusted I felt as I realized, once again, how much weight I have put on within the last two years, and how itty-bitty I no longer am. I sit here and regret the can of Marie Callender’s Chicken Pot Pie Soup I just ate for lunch, containing 7 grams of fat, 170 calories, and 360 milligrams of sodium. I contemplate if the delectable Twix candy bar I ate last night before bed was truly worth it.

I am constantly and continually asking myself “Why not just do it Lo? Come on! Just take the easy road! You have done it before and you can do it again!”.

I know how easy it would be, I know how addicting it can be, I know how satisfied I would feel, but I also know how much stronger I am than that now. I look at the girl in these pictures and I get so sad remembering how truly sick she was. I remember my dad crying at the foot of my hospital bed because I was the size of my 6 year old sister. I remember my cousin Caleb telling me he did not want me to die the same way another cousin of his did. I sit here and I remember how these things never phased me then, but they do now. Remembering those words now sinks in and feels like a hard punch to the gut. How did I not care about what my family had to say? How did I allow myself to slip so far away?

So I ask myself again, “Why not Lo, why not take the easy road? You have done it before and you can do it again!”. And for those very reasons I will not guzzle this liter of water down, I will not make myself skip dinner, and  I will not take the easy road. I remember as well as see things differently now, and in this very moment, the feeling of remembering trumps the disgust and repulsiveness I have been feeling all day.

Being better, healthier, and stronger is what I want.

So why not?