Real Talk · The Truth

Real Talk.

Let’s Have An Honest Moment.

So as I sit here sulking about just having popped off ANOTHER button off ANOTHER good pair of work pants due to my sublime food pouch, I wonder, “Would it not be easier to just chug down this liter of water sitting on my desk and feel full? Would it not be easier to just make myself so overly satiated on liquids that I accidentally skip lunch and feel too ill to eat dinner?” As a matter of fact it would be too easy, uncomplicated, and so effortless to say the least. Why shouldn’t I just take the easy way out instead of waking up an hour earlier than I already do to workout? Why not just take the easy way out instead of loosing valuable time studying for school, or spending less time with my significant other and puppy, trying to do the right or normal thing?

I would feel so much better about myself a lot quicker compared to doing the normal thing. I would feel and see progress almost instantaneously by doing the wrong thing.

I sit here and reflect on the way I felt as I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, analyzing every curve, dimple, flab of skin and untoned muscle. I reflect on how sick to my stomach and disgusted I felt as I realized, once again, how much weight I have put on within the last two years, and how itty-bitty I no longer am. I sit here and regret the can of Marie Callender’s Chicken Pot Pie Soup I just ate for lunch, containing 7 grams of fat, 170 calories, and 360 milligrams of sodium. I contemplate if the delectable Twix candy bar I ate last night before bed was truly worth it.

I am constantly and continually asking myself “Why not just do it Lo? Come on! Just take the easy road! You have done it before and you can do it again!”.

I know how easy it would be, I know how addicting it can be, I know how satisfied I would feel, but I also know how much stronger I am than that now. I look at the girl in these pictures and I get so sad remembering how truly sick she was. I remember my dad crying at the foot of my hospital bed because I was the size of my 6 year old sister. I remember my cousin Caleb telling me he did not want me to die the same way another cousin of his did. I sit here and I remember how these things never phased me then, but they do now. Remembering those words now sinks in and feels like a hard punch to the gut. How did I not care about what my family had to say? How did I allow myself to slip so far away?

So I ask myself again, “Why not Lo, why not take the easy road? You have done it before and you can do it again!”. And for those very reasons I will not guzzle this liter of water down, I will not make myself skip dinner, and  I will not take the easy road. I remember as well as see things differently now, and in this very moment, the feeling of remembering trumps the disgust and repulsiveness I have been feeling all day.

Being better, healthier, and stronger is what I want.

So why not?

Introduction · The Truth · Uncategorized

Vulnerable?

I never thought that I would be reformed the way I am today.

It has been about two and a half years since the day I decided to “reform” myself, and give up the illustrious life of loathing & hating my own body. Do not get me wrong, not a day goes by that I do not judge myself, feel sick, or critique the way my clothing fits tighter than it used to. But, I am enjoying the daily life of not shoving my fingers down my throat, and only wanting to consume liquids to say the least. I am enjoying having some bump in the trunk, and knowing I have some meat on my bones for someone to give me a little “honk honk” on that trunk every now and again. I am enjoying life not having to shop in the children’s section, trying to find age appropriate clothing without kitty cats, Shopkins, or Sponge Bob on them. I enjoy this ordinary life almost (keyword) all of the time. I will be the first to tell you it has NOT been easy. I enjoy it until I eat as much as a 6 foot 6 inch man, and cry while wondering why an old pair of pants ripped while I jumped up and down trying to get them on. Now you might sit there, read this, roll your eyes & think “You are a woman! Of course you think of those things!”, and you my friend are slightly sexist and correct. Yes, I am in fact a woman and most women are concerned about their weight and appearance. BUT this woman, and other women like me, are by far not ordinary & our self-judgment is not the same as the majority.

Take any judgmental thought you have had about yourself and multiply it by one thousand. Take that LOVELY self-evaluation and make it so cruel and unpleasant that you go binge eat 10 lbs of food, drink a gallon of fluids, and then spend the next 45 minutes to an hour of your afternoon over a toilet, puking EVERY last bit of what you JUST ate up (talk about waste of money). Sounds super pleasant and normal right? I did not think so. It probably sounds absolutely disgusting to most, or it just makes sense to those who relate.

Not many people get it, but I have a little secret for you “normal” ones. These lovely thoughts are things that will never go away. Unfortunately that hypercritical, super harsh, body dysmorphic outlook comes with the disease….FOR LIFE.

Whether someone is 1, 5, or 8 years in remission for an eating disorder, it does NOT mean they do not suffer daily. It is just the COLD hard truth about it.

So ladies and gentleman here is to the cold hard truth. Here is being insufferably vulnerable day in and day out for the rest of our lives.