I never thought that I would be reformed the way I am today.
It has been about two and a half years since the day I decided to “reform” myself, and give up the illustrious life of loathing & hating my own body. Do not get me wrong, not a day goes by that I do not judge myself, feel sick, or critique the way my clothing fits tighter than it used to. But, I am enjoying the daily life of not shoving my fingers down my throat, and only wanting to consume liquids to say the least. I am enjoying having some bump in the trunk, and knowing I have some meat on my bones for someone to give me a little “honk honk” on that trunk every now and again. I am enjoying life not having to shop in the children’s section, trying to find age appropriate clothing without kitty cats, Shopkins, or Sponge Bob on them. I enjoy this ordinary life almost (keyword) all of the time. I will be the first to tell you it has NOT been easy. I enjoy it until I eat as much as a 6 foot 6 inch man, and cry while wondering why an old pair of pants ripped while I jumped up and down trying to get them on. Now you might sit there, read this, roll your eyes & think “You are a woman! Of course you think of those things!”, and you my friend are slightly sexist and correct. Yes, I am in fact a woman and most women are concerned about their weight and appearance. BUT this woman, and other women like me, are by far not ordinary & our self-judgment is not the same as the majority.
Take any judgmental thought you have had about yourself and multiply it by one thousand. Take that LOVELY self-evaluation and make it so cruel and unpleasant that you go binge eat 10 lbs of food, drink a gallon of fluids, and then spend the next 45 minutes to an hour of your afternoon over a toilet, puking EVERY last bit of what you JUST ate up (talk about waste of money). Sounds super pleasant and normal right? I did not think so. It probably sounds absolutely disgusting to most, or it just makes sense to those who relate.
Not many people get it, but I have a little secret for you “normal” ones. These lovely thoughts are things that will never go away. Unfortunately that hypercritical, super harsh, body dysmorphic outlook comes with the disease….FOR LIFE.
Whether someone is 1, 5, or 8 years in remission for an eating disorder, it does NOT mean they do not suffer daily. It is just the COLD hard truth about it.
So ladies and gentleman here is to the cold hard truth. Here is being insufferably vulnerable day in and day out for the rest of our lives.